I am who I am because of my son. I say this with so much love and emotion because I don’t think I would be where I am without him. Before being blessed with such a beautiful child, I was at a very low point in my life. Things that followed me for years, and still haunt me today were leading me to a place where I don’t think I would have gotten out of without my son.
I am who I am today because he has taught me the true meaning of love. He loves me unconditionally.
Growing up I had many things missing in my life, and the most important was love. Not just ordinary love but what you would call a “mothers love.” For many years I blocked my bad memories. There wasn’t anyone I could really express them to. My husband and I met when I was very young and we both grew together not only as individuals but also together as a family. He is kind and loving in ways I had not known, and I am so blessed to have him in our lives. He stuck by my side even when I was the worst person to be around and I don’t think another person would have done the same.
When I became pregnant we both lost our jobs. The stress was overwhelming to say the least. We went from having two full-time jobs to having ZERO income and were facing homelessness. I felt like the world was crashing around me and I didn’t have any way to express how I felt. I couldn’t even imagine how my husband was feeling through this time.
During this time in my life I learned just how much love I had for my child.
He is what gave me the strength to keep going. At times I thought I was losing him but he remained with me and I am so thankful. I wouldn’t be here alive if it wasn’t for my son. As my bump grew, I felt him growing into something amazing. I had a terrible pregnancy but I would do it all over just for him.
Starting over was something very common to me since I had to grow up at an early age. Some things are just as awful the 100th time as they are the 1st time. This was one of those times but I learned that things are just materialistic items and all I needed to do was survive and keep moving forward.
No one was going to save me and I needed to rescue myself.
I am very lucky that my husband has stuck by my side. I love him so much for that. When I gave birth to my son I fell in love like never before. I remember thinking to myself “I can’t believe I made something so beautiful that is actually mine!” I held him so tightly and I felt happiness like never before.
I am proud of the mother he has made me. Life as a mother is overwhelming and to be completely honest, it’s fucking hard. Just when I think I’m starting to get the hang of it life slaps me across the face and says "yea not today." When I say life I quite literally mean my son. He likes to keep me on my toes. From the moment he opens his eyes to his last little pootie of the day. I barely leave my house. I still have severe anxiety that keeps me from having a social life. I’m not talking about having about having a girls night out or going to the club. I’m talking about not being able to go grocery shopping on my own. I’m talking about having a constant knot in my throat anytime I’m out of the house. I want to make mom friends and provide social time for my son but I’m not always capable.
"...to be completely honest,
it's fucking hard."
I’ve always done my best to be open on social media. From Blogging websites to making YouTube videos about how I was feeling, I’ve been looking into ways to express myself. So far these have really helped me with venting about how I feel. I’ve become more confident from exposing myself on my social media. It’s really helped me develop a "who cares" attitude when it comes to motherhood.
I didn't realize how much insecurity comes with being a mother. I wish I had more of a support system because up until I shared the real side of motherhood online I pretty much just bottled everything up. Choosing to open up online has brought me so much clarity and relief because now I know there are other moms that have felt the way I have.
So here I am, sharing my unfiltered story.