I am who I am because of my son

I am who I am because of my son. I say this with so much love and emotion because I don’t think I would be where I am without him. Before being blessed with such a beautiful child, I was at a very low point in my life. Things that followed me for years, and still haunt me today were leading me to a place where I don’t think I would have gotten out of without my son.

I am who I am today because he has taught me the true meaning of love. He loves me unconditionally.

Growing up I had many things missing in my life, and the most important was love. Not just ordinary love but what you would call a “mothers love.” For many years I blocked my bad memories. There wasn’t anyone I could really express them to. My husband and I met when I was very young and we both grew together not only as individuals but also together as a family. He is kind and loving in ways I had not known, and I am so blessed to have him in our lives. He stuck by my side even when I was the worst person to be around and I don’t think another person would have done the same.

When I became pregnant we both lost our jobs. The stress was overwhelming to say the least. We went from having two full-time jobs to having ZERO income and were facing homelessness. I felt like the world was crashing around me and I didn’t have any way to express how I felt. I couldn’t even imagine how my husband was feeling through this time.

During this time in my life I learned just how much love I had for my child.

He is what gave me the strength to keep going. At times I thought I was losing him but he remained with me and I am so thankful. I wouldn’t be here alive if it wasn’t for my son. As my bump grew, I felt him growing into something amazing. I had a terrible pregnancy but I would do it all over just for him.

Starting over was something very common to me since I had to grow up at an early age. Some things are just as awful the 100th time as they are the 1st time. This was one of those times but I learned that things are just materialistic items and all I needed to do was survive and keep moving forward.

No one was going to save me and I needed to rescue myself.

I am very lucky that my husband has stuck by my side. I love him so much for that. When I gave birth to my son I fell in love like never before. I remember thinking to myself “I can’t believe I made something so beautiful that is actually mine!” I held him so tightly and I felt happiness like never before.

I am proud of the mother he has made me. Life as a mother is overwhelming and to be completely honest, it’s fucking hard. Just when I think I’m starting to get the hang of it life slaps me across the face and says "yea not today." When I say life I quite literally mean my son. He likes to keep me on my toes. From the moment he opens his eyes to his last little pootie of the day. I barely leave my house. I still have severe anxiety that keeps me from having a social life. I’m not talking about having about having a girls night out or going to the club. I’m talking about not being able to go grocery shopping on my own. I’m talking about having a constant knot in my throat anytime I’m out of the house. I want to make mom friends and provide social time for my son but I’m not always capable.

" be completely honest,

it's fucking hard."

I’ve always done my best to be open on social media. From Blogging websites to making YouTube videos about how I was feeling, I’ve been looking into ways to express myself. So far these have really helped me with venting about how I feel. I’ve become more confident from exposing myself on my social media. It’s really helped me develop a "who cares" attitude when it comes to motherhood.

I didn't realize how much insecurity comes with being a mother. I wish I had more of a support system because up until I shared the real side of motherhood online I pretty much just bottled everything up. Choosing to open up online has brought me so much clarity and relief because now I know there are other moms that have felt the way I have.

So here I am, sharing my unfiltered story.


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